| Harry Potter: Freaking Out |
[15 Jul 2009|09:05am] |
We booked tickets for the HP & HBP as soon as they came out because I am literally obsessed with Harry Potter. Mainly because I don't do anything but write HP fanfiction/create HP videos etc. because there is nothing else I can do.
So, of course, I was ecstatic to get the tickets. Now, i'm not so sure if it was a good idea.
We see it in just under four hours and as much as I am excited, my anxiety is overwhelming. While my fiance was out shopping for the food we're taking in [because I couldn't take it] I was hiding under the stairs to the bed under the table and crying because i'm so nervous.
It will be packed, it's the first day of HBP, and i'm just so scared and freaking out.
I'm just starting to really worry - i've asked my fiance if we can turn up earlier than we probably should to avoid crowds, but still :(
What if we get there and someone is sat in the seats we booked? I don't want to make a fuss/be humilated/the centre of attention :(
I mean, the film will be amazing but I have so many worries.
What if I have a sneeze attack? What if I get hiccups? What if I have a nosebleed? What if my stomach rumbles? What if I get sick? What if people laugh at me? What if I start crying? What if my panic attacks are obvious? These and a thousand and one other 'What If?'s are invading my head and it's driving me crazy.
I've tried doing the Emotional Freedom Technique as my Psychiatrist taught me, but i'm so scared it's not working.
I really want to enjoy the film in peace, but my SA won't let me *cries* I'm just shaking and panicking and I can't breathe properly =( My fiance's trying as best as he can to comfort me but i'm just so scared :(
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| Behold! The church I passed on the way home. |
[14 Jul 2009|09:28pm] |
Yes I shot this through my dirty, dirty windshield waiting at a red light. I've wondered if it was abandoned for a few years but It wasn't bored up until now. This is wait I get for meandering a bit on my way home from school :)
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| Challenging myself, maybe a little too much? |
[14 Jul 2009|12:19pm] |
I went to class earlier today (summer session in college), and I am trying a radically different approach to how I attend class, as a personal challenge.
First of all, I'm sitting in the center seat in the front row. Something I've never done before in my life. I usually sit off to the right side of the room, 2 or 3 rows back.
In doing this, I have become much less afraid to answer questions, even if I'm not sure that I'm right. I'll give it a shot anyway. That's because I can't see the other classmates around me, so it's kind of a "out of sight, out of mind" thing, and also since I'm so soft-spoken I used to not answer questions because I'd be afraid the teacher couldn't hear me and I'd have to repeat myself. But that problem is eliminated now too.
So basically I speak up in class now, more than almost anyone else in the whole class (and I'm right *way* more often than anyone else is, lol, but even if I'm wrong it doesn't embarrass me as much as I thought it would.) and today I even volunteered to go up and do a problem on the board. Myself and 2 other people out of 40-ish people went to the board, so I definitely could have just not done it if I didn't want to.
Now *that* was scary...even though I was 99% sure I knew I had the right answer, I was still trembling and horrifically nervous.
I'm left handed, which makes writing on a chalk board kinda annoying. Which only added to my nervousness. Of course, my shaky hand didn't make things any easier.
I was a little afraid I might have an anxiety attack while I was up there, and I felt like I took forever to write everything out while the room was dead silent watching me. Gahhhh...
But I made it through and the answer was right. I even had another classmate ask me why it was right, and I could explain it, and the professor just nodded in agreement with me. (and this is math, my worst subject! I'm doing so well it's scaring me. srsly.).
So I think I'm setting myself up to be one of his more well-liked students. Which is good.
I think tomorrow I'm going to go see him during office hours to ask a couple questions I have about the homework.
That would be my next personal "challenge", as I've always been too shy to go see the professors during their office hours. I've never done it before.
Basically I'm challenging the crap out of myself. I'm trying to do my own little version of exposure therapy.
I'm not sure it's working, as that board problem episode gave me the jitters so bad that I had to come home and take some klonopin to calm myself down. And I couldn't go out job hunting in person like I had planned (though I am still calling people on the phone). I just got a little unsettled.
So I may have overdone it...but I guess that's why I need therapy. To help me know my limits and be able to test them safely and productively.
Has anyone else attempted things like this? How has it worked for you? Did it help at all or am I wasting my mental energy on this?
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| Finally made the appointment |
[14 Jul 2009|11:18am] |
So July 23rd I'll be meeting a psychologist. My mom actually scheduled the appointment, because I didn't want to talk on the phone. But then the doctor asked to talk to me. I felt stupid, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be- talking to him. He just asked what I'd like to talk about and of course I said social anxiousness and stress ... which both get worse when I go to school/move into the dorms.
He said that he has some techniques he can teach me that should help reduce anxiety. Lets hope so. I hope this will be a better experience than the last time I went to see someone... *shudders* He seems nice enough. I guess we'll find out.
At least I took the first step.
Any improvements among you all?
<3
Natalie
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[13 Jul 2009|09:03pm] |
Do you ever feel like you got stuck in the wrong life? I feel like things happened that were originally never meant to happen, it's a bizarre feeling. The real me is nothing like what anxiety turns me into, and I know that was meant to be that other personality. I want to do so much and I KNOW I'd be one of those carefree/happy go lucky people, but never in this world.
If you have ever seen "The Butterfly Effect", you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
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| I'm such a loser :( |
[14 Jul 2009|12:02am] |
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Lately I can't even leave my house to get the mail beause I feel like people on the street are watching me. I live on a really busy street in the city with public parking outside my house. But still... that is so not normal that I have to wait until it is dark and look out the window first to make sure no one is outside before I can get the mail. UGH
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| Greetings and Salutations! |
[11 Jul 2009|05:34pm] |
So for as long as I can remember I've always loved scoping out abandoned places. Heres a few of my favorites I have on hand...
( Read more... )
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[13 Jul 2009|02:35am] |
An abandoned house in the woods in the county of Põlvamaa, Estonia.
( +3 )
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[12 Jul 2009|03:48pm] |
So, I have a boyfriend, and I stay at his house every weekend. I'm a summer researcher at my college, and I don't know anyone else there, and I'm an out of state student. So, it's really nice to be able to spend weekends with someone I love.
But, when I stay there, I always see his parents. And, well, they still scare the shit out of me. Even though I've been dating their son for more than a year now.
Their family is quite affluent, and their home is gigantic and pristene. Every time I stay here, I feel like my "peasant" manners and my anxiety are painfully evident. It's physically painful to speak to them, and when I stay over, I am unreasonably concerned with everything I touch, lest I leave it in a somewhat dirtier condition than it was in before (this is also disturbing 'cause I have a history of OCD as well).
For the past few weekends, this hasn't been TOO much of an issue. It's a big house, and his family communicates with each other very little. But, I'm here for the weekend, and he's taking classes from 6 AM to 5 PM... so, I've been alone with his parents.
I've been staying here holed up in the guest bedroom the entire time. I ventured downstairs to talk to them once- it was very awkward, obviously, and as soon as they turned around I fled (I'm exaggerating a LITTLE about "fleeing", but still.. agh).
I feel so bad, because I keep thinking that they're interpreting my anxiety as me being a "cold fish", and his Dad keeps commenting that he "hasn't figured me out yet".
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| Unfinished business centre... |
[12 Jul 2009|11:45pm] |
Not completed business centre in Moscow. Tremendous weather...) the blue sky, blue glasses... 3 sight at this splinter in the middle of a megacity, I hope to show to people something new as much is already told... Для русских - и не возникайте, что баян, пофиг)
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